On relationships

The prequel:

  • You need to know yourself before you know anyone else. You have to know what you like before you can let someone get close to you, and before you get close to them (note: these are 2 different concepts. not simultaneous occurrences by default). If you don’t know yourself, you’ll lose yourself in that other person. You’ll just be enveloped into their world and their personality and you may actually become them, and throw away everything you once knew about yourself.

The beginning:

  • I forgot what it feels like to like someone. “Like like” them, to refer to the language of my 6th grade self. Maybe it’s because it’s a little different with each time I start to feel that way about a new person, or maybe it’s because the last person I felt this way for it ended up poorly, so I blocked out that intensity and gush of feeling that came on at first. But it’s a definite feeling.

The middle, the second guessing:

  • Are you going to keep hesitating or are you going to try things in my life and have the ability to learn and reflect on them after, rather than wonder what it would have been like? You stand to gain a lot more with the second option, even if that second option initially causes huge losses (i.e. a loss in confidence after failed attempts).

“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: ‘It’s gonna go wrong.’ Or ‘She’s going to hurt me.’ Or,’I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore . . .’ Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”                                – Ray Bradbury

  • So, make the move. Don’t wait for it to come to you, nicely packaged and wrapped. (See here, 20 seconds of courage ).
  • The thing is, people are going to think what they want no matter what you do. So just do you. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, and as long as you’re happy safe and healthy – just do you.

The finale:

  • If it ends, it ends. I date people with the vision of potentially marrying them and being with them forever. That’s always my end game. I’m not here to fool around. My time is valuable and I’m not going to invest in you if I don’t see you/us being valuable in the long run.
  • Reflect on it. Take enough time to inwardly review what happened. Reflection is how you learn. Honestly review if faults were your own or another person’s. Time will help with the honesty of your reviews. Initially everything can easily be made to be blamed on another person. But if you don’t catch your faults or their faults, you’ll very likely fall into those same mistakes and patterns over again, and it’s frustrating to go through something twice like that.



to be in love

(different than, “to fall in love”)

What’s it like to be in love? I’ll tell you. You put another person’s needs totally before your own. Even your most basic, instinctual needs for survival – food, water, happiness, warmth. Any of that you would forfeit for them immediately, without thinking. It’s not a couple-y, cutesy thing where you refer to everything in the “we” tense and think of some new, morphed version of the two of you. It’s when you don’t even think of yourself first, and you might completely forget to ever think of yourself. Your mind just immediately goes to that other person. That’s what love is. And if it’s anything less than that, then you’re fooling yourself.

1 date 2 stressful

I had a date on Friday night. I spent all day getting ready for it.

And when I say that I spent “all day” on this, I really mean it. I had to plan this date. I had to pick the area, and the time, and what we were going to do and see, and account for the weather, and my date’s price range, and his food preferences and allergies and other concerns, like whether crowds or loud noises might bother him, or if he was into the bar scene or not. I had to pick out my outfit, I had to scope out parking. I had to involve my friend in all these decisions because I didn’t trust myself to make all the decisions on my own. I had to shower and shave and take a long run to try to calm myself down before this date. I got so worked up over it, and then it went by so fast, and now I have nothing left to prove that it happened other than night #4 of the linguini leftovers in the fridge.

What is the dating etiquette to follow? Somewhere between temporary ignoring or possibly permanent ghosting (what’s being done to me) and clutching (what I do to other people). I get too attached too early on. I’m very loyal and I want people to like me so I always bend over backwards to please them and usually, I am the one that gets hurt in the end.

It’s not even the individual that I get attached to so strongly at first, it’s just the idea of it all. The idea that someone out there can like me, and might one day love me. I want someone to look out for me because it’s exhausting having to always look out for myself. It’s also difficult because when a relationship ends, it is then, by default, a failure. And a failure reflects poorly on me too, because I played a part in it. I always take the blame first. I know that’s not the healthy thing or the right thing to do, but it’s just what I do. What did *I* do wrong? What could *I* have done better?