On relationships

The prequel:

  • You need to know yourself before you know anyone else. You have to know what you like before you can let someone get close to you, and before you get close to them (note: these are 2 different concepts. not simultaneous occurrences by default). If you don’t know yourself, you’ll lose yourself in that other person. You’ll just be enveloped into their world and their personality and you may actually become them, and throw away everything you once knew about yourself.

The beginning:

  • I forgot what it feels like to like someone. “Like like” them, to refer to the language of my 6th grade self. Maybe it’s because it’s a little different with each time I start to feel that way about a new person, or maybe it’s because the last person I felt this way for it ended up poorly, so I blocked out that intensity and gush of feeling that came on at first. But it’s a definite feeling.

The middle, the second guessing:

  • Are you going to keep hesitating or are you going to try things in my life and have the ability to learn and reflect on them after, rather than wonder what it would have been like? You stand to gain a lot more with the second option, even if that second option initially causes huge losses (i.e. a loss in confidence after failed attempts).

“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: ‘It’s gonna go wrong.’ Or ‘She’s going to hurt me.’ Or,’I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore . . .’ Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”                                – Ray Bradbury

  • So, make the move. Don’t wait for it to come to you, nicely packaged and wrapped. (See here, 20 seconds of courage ).
  • The thing is, people are going to think what they want no matter what you do. So just do you. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, and as long as you’re happy safe and healthy – just do you.

The finale:

  • If it ends, it ends. I date people with the vision of potentially marrying them and being with them forever. That’s always my end game. I’m not here to fool around. My time is valuable and I’m not going to invest in you if I don’t see you/us being valuable in the long run.
  • Reflect on it. Take enough time to inwardly review what happened. Reflection is how you learn. Honestly review if faults were your own or another person’s. Time will help with the honesty of your reviews. Initially everything can easily be made to be blamed on another person. But if you don’t catch your faults or their faults, you’ll very likely fall into those same mistakes and patterns over again, and it’s frustrating to go through something twice like that.



to be in love

(different than, “to fall in love”)

What’s it like to be in love? I’ll tell you. You put another person’s needs totally before your own. Even your most basic, instinctual needs for survival – food, water, happiness, warmth. Any of that you would forfeit for them immediately, without thinking. It’s not a couple-y, cutesy thing where you refer to everything in the “we” tense and think of some new, morphed version of the two of you. It’s when you don’t even think of yourself first, and you might completely forget to ever think of yourself. Your mind just immediately goes to that other person. That’s what love is. And if it’s anything less than that, then you’re fooling yourself.

1 date 2 stressful

I had a date on Friday night. I spent all day getting ready for it.

And when I say that I spent “all day” on this, I really mean it. I had to plan this date. I had to pick the area, and the time, and what we were going to do and see, and account for the weather, and my date’s price range, and his food preferences and allergies and other concerns, like whether crowds or loud noises might bother him, or if he was into the bar scene or not. I had to pick out my outfit, I had to scope out parking. I had to involve my friend in all these decisions because I didn’t trust myself to make all the decisions on my own. I had to shower and shave and take a long run to try to calm myself down before this date. I got so worked up over it, and then it went by so fast, and now I have nothing left to prove that it happened other than night #4 of the linguini leftovers in the fridge.

What is the dating etiquette to follow? Somewhere between temporary ignoring or possibly permanent ghosting (what’s being done to me) and clutching (what I do to other people). I get too attached too early on. I’m very loyal and I want people to like me so I always bend over backwards to please them and usually, I am the one that gets hurt in the end.

It’s not even the individual that I get attached to so strongly at first, it’s just the idea of it all. The idea that someone out there can like me, and might one day love me. I want someone to look out for me because it’s exhausting having to always look out for myself. It’s also difficult because when a relationship ends, it is then, by default, a failure. And a failure reflects poorly on me too, because I played a part in it. I always take the blame first. I know that’s not the healthy thing or the right thing to do, but it’s just what I do. What did *I* do wrong? What could *I* have done better?


Thinking of my parents on this Father’s Day.

The Lesson of the Butterfly

This is

  • a lesson on the importance of working through hardships, challenges and struggle.
  • a reminder that overcoming struggle makes you into who you are.  What is your story, what is your personality, what drives you, what keeps you up at night, and all the other million small parts that you can claim as part of yourself.
  • a reminder to parents, I think, who want to do everything they can for their children. While the man in this story meant well by trying to help the butterfly out of the cocoon, he actually suppressed that butterfly’s full potential. That butterfly will always be a stunted, lesser version of itself. If parents always give what they believe are necessities and favors to their kids, their kids will never form their own identity. Instead, they will just be molded into the idea of what their parents want them to be. (There is a time and a place for parental help. I’m not saying kids should be completely left to their own devices, but certainly in early adulthood/20s, kids should not feel like they have to do everything to please their parents. It is too much guilt to feel that way, and I speak from experience. I struggle to find my own way and chase my own dreams while also “doing enough” to make my parents happy. And you can have great parents and still feel this way. I do. I just struggle with balancing between overly relying on my parents, asking for too much, not asking for things enough, trying not to step on toes, and trying to be my own person…)

Image result for butterfly cocoon story

Sorry I’ve Been A Shitty Friend: A Multiple Choice Form Letter

So good!!

Wine and Cheese (Doodles)

Dear (fill in name of friend here),

How are you? It’s been way too long, I know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of you and then said to myself, I should really (call/write/at least click like on your vacation photos) but I’m sure you know how it goes. No matter how organized I am, it seems like (life/the news/a hangover) is always getting in the way. It’s so true what they say. Time sure does have a habit of flying when you’re (procrastinating/bemoaning the state of humanity/binge watching Better Call Saul), doesn’t it?

Funny thing is, your name came up just the other day. Someone asked me, “Hey, how’s (fill in name of friend here)? (He’s/She’s) got to be almost (ready to move/ready to have a baby/done with school), right? And it…

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When you [ass]ume… Or, how to be a nice human

They teach you in nursing school to never walk in a room and assume how a family is put together. This is especially relevant on the obstetrics unit. In other words, do not assume who is the father or mother of the baby, and do not try to guess who is an extended family member vs. who is a friend. You’ll probably get it wrong.

I think this attitude of open-mindedness is how we should always try to approach things. Limiting your bias is a complex task and one that I continually struggle with.

For one thing, it’s easy to believe the wrong thing. There’s a lot of information out there, and filtering through it is a chore. There is social media, popular media, news reports, journals, blogs…(it’s even harder to know what to believe when such highly influential leaders claim major news sources are “fake news,” but I won’t get into that here…).

Then, there are the physical, real people who you regularly see. Whatever sources you expose yourself to will heavily influence your beliefs and your range of experiences. There is no one source or one person to listen to always. It is best to use a variety of resources and people to form your own opinions.

Based on my prior experiences, reducing bias [which I am using as a general, all-inclusive term for bigotry, prejudice, racism, sexism, etc.] is a four step process.

  1. The first step – recognize that you might be wrong.
  2. The second step – listen to the other person fully. Try to understand what they’re saying without super-imposing your own beliefs over theirs.
  3. The third step – respond. Say your piece, what you’ve known beforehand, and ask for direct clarification on these new or different points of view. Lack of communication is the cause of EVERY MISUNDERSTANDING EVER. Refer to a history textbook if you think I’m wrong.
  4. The fourth step – reflect. Either together or in private, you should compare your thoughts prior to and following these conversations, because it shows where you started and how much you might have changed afterward. You shouldn’t be wishy-washy; still maintain some of your own ideas, but do so politely, without being obnoxious or overbearing.

So much more can be learned and shared when controversial topics are approached with a gentler mentality, something that is along the lines of: “this person may not have had the same exposure to information or personal experiences that I did, so I will give them the benefit of the doubt, listen to their piece, and then share my own opinions.”

It can be easier to be on the defense, to immediately justify what you believe and to correct or put down what someone else believes. Essentially, people are creatures of habit. What we already know is safe. What we don’t know is danger. But our differences make us stronger and they should be treated as learning opportunities. The stories we tell and the wisdom we have comes from the differences that everyone has, not their same-nesses [if you have a better word here for this, let me know].


I took this picture 6 months ago on a family vacation. I think it shows the interplay of two very different cultural backgrounds, and how our differences are sources of interest and opportunities to learn more. These are people native to the area (Philipsburg, St. Maarten, in the Eastern Caribbean) vs. families vacationing from the USA.

Punishing people for their differences is one of the most backwards things we can do. Someone’s ethnic or racial or gender or other identity should not be the reason they are held back or disadvantaged in a system. We should make people feel welcome and comfortable rather than isolated and fearful. It will result in stronger communities, more genuine relationships, and more lovely, kind individuals. That is the world I would like to see.


If you are like me, and you want to be more respectful but at the same time, you question your political correctness or cultural accuracy when inquiring into people’s lives, here are some things I have learned.

  • If you want to learn more, expand your friend group. Make friends with a variety of people. People who are different from what you already know. People from a variety of different backgrounds. People with other cultural, religious, gender or other identities.
  • Travel more. Either go to several places frequently or go to one place that you’re really interested in, and invest yourself in another culture entirely by going to the source directly.
  • Learn another language.
  • Rethink your common, everyday speech. For example, rather than ask, “what are you?” (see 0:18 for reference), it’s better to phrase this as “where is your family/where are you from?” I really recommend watching this Netflix series and the movie that it is based on for one particular view and a current, fresh look at black culture that it offers. Although the characters are fictional, the subject matter is very real. (Here is the link for the movie trailer.)
  • Look to other sources. Don’t limit yourself. Look everywhere. Watch documentaries, watch local movies, watch international movies and foreign films, read books, form opinions and be able to support them with valid reasons.

~end of post.

How a code actually works in the hospital

A lot of people have this idealized version of how they believe a code, or CPR, is done. We largely have medical shows to blame for this. Although entertaining, they are incredibly inaccurate. For example – they practically violate HIPAA regulations at least once every episode.

During my shift last night, I was involved in a code for the first time in a while. It was not a perfectly, smoothly run code. It made me question my abilities and the abilities of those around me. I’ve been reflecting on it a lot since it happened, because I want to be the best nurse that I can be for my patients and colleagues.

It started after I helped another nurse give her patient a bed bath. I remember asking him, “Are you comfortable?,” as I always do before I leave a patient’s room and after I’ve finished repositioning them in bed. He shook his head vehemently, looking troubled. Then, his arterial line (a real-time blood pressure monitoring device) readings started decreasing, as did his heart rate. His nurse insisted these changes on the monitor “weren’t real,” and I listened to her and ignored my own instincts to pull out the crash cart, paddles, and stool (this is used to stand on for doing accurate, deep compressions) faster. I also ignored the warning bells going off in my own head because I believed her senior position made her opinion more valid than my own.

Another nurse came in when she heard the alarms going off that indicated low pressure. While original nurse was fiddling with the arterial line, second nurse began taking a manual blood pressure. The manual pressure matched the arterial line, so compressions were started while I brought out all the supplies. Bewildered and overwhelmed, I mostly watched the action going on around me from where I stood cornered in the room, behind carts and equipment. I wanted to jump in but I didn’t know how. A third nurse began recording the code process (i.e. how long compressions lasted and what medications were administered). This nurse intimidated me, so I became even more of a mousy observer than I already was, now placing my value in this situation as below three people. A team of doctors arrived, and other nurses and technicians came to assist with compressions. I observed and grabbed what was needed when it was shouted. I still felt mousy.

Finally the code ended and the patient resumed normal pressures. But that doesn’t make this a success story.

After the code, a debriefing huddle took place. The purpose of the huddle is to review with all parties involved in the event what went well, what could have gone better, and to gather a general consensus regarding the event. While the nurses and technicians were all gathered at one table, the doctors sat at another. The doctors stayed at the other table even after the nurse in charge of the debriefing huddle called for them to come join us. Finally everyone picked up their charts and documents and things to move over to the doctors. I muttered under my breath “why don’t the doctors just walk over here….” and some people laughed. I hadn’t even meant for anyone to hear, I was just so subconsciously bothered with the doctors, but after other nurses looked at me knowingly and were in agreement with my remark, I was glad I had been heard.

The huddle was quick and dry, checking or not checking items in simple rows. The last question, “what could have made this code better?” was answered jokingly by the patient’s original nurse with “well if the patient had been DNR-CCA…”. True, yes, this would be a more appropriate code status given this patient’s medical background, but the question was asked with the intent of being answered seriously. And after one joke was made, it opened up the opportunity for people to make additional jokes. The casualness of this bothered me deeply.

20 minutes later, the patient coded again.

Again, family members were called during the code to determine if they would like the code status changed from “full” to “DNR-CCA” (do not resuscitate, comfort care arrest).  More information about that HERE. They insisted on keeping him full code, which was frustrating from a medical view, as there is an immense level of work to do when keeping up with a code while it’s in action and after it’s happened. During a code, everything seems crazy, people are moving and sweating and shouting to get things done, but it doesn’t seem like a lot of actual “work” because adrenaline keeps you going. Afterward, the heaviness of it all hits you. Then, there are basic tasks to still do in order to complete the code process, such as cleaning everything around and within the patient’s room, calling downstairs to change the code carts (you replace the used cart with a new cart so that the available code cart is always fully stocked with the necessary medications), sign off on the charting for the event, and complete a code de-briefing huddle.

Besides the “work” aspect of it all, there is an emotional and logistical component regarding organization of the patient’s family. I always think, if the family was physically here watching what a code fully entails, they would be much more likely to change their minds and to change the patient’s code status. Seeing the intensity of compressions and the pain in the patient’s eyes throughout the process make you wonder if it’s all really worth it. And, the patient’s quality of life will likely be much lower after it all, even in a best-case scenario, should he/she survive a CPR event. (This is a heavy and complex topic which I feel strongly about, and will likely write more about this subject of suitable end-of-life care measures.)

To sum up the patient’s part in this story, his family eventually did arrive on the unit to see him, and they did change his code status to a more appropriate DNR-CCA category. The night was only half over for me, it being my usual 12 hour shift. I was physically exhausted and shaken after doing compressions for so long, and emotionally unstable because I had really gotten to know this patient and his family over the past few nights. But still, you move forward, because you have to. Even in these trying times, I love my job, because I know that what I do matters.

Final reflections I have:

1) trust your gut instinct. If something is wrong, it probably is. Before anything happened, the patient knew something felt wrong. I ignored this and I ignored the monitors, because I didn’t believe in myself enough to stand up to that nurse. They always say in school that your first priority is to be a patient advocate. This means following your patient’s wishes, even when you, their family, or their doctors don’t agree with those wishes. But after tonight, I learned that it also means standing up for your patient to even your coworkers. As hard and heavy as it is to admit, something was wrong with my patient last night, and I didn’t act on it fast enough, because I didn’t want to offend my coworker. That’s stupid. I need to get over it.

2)medicine is a team sport. I don’t know why people still feel as though they have to act like they are the smartest in the room, like they have something to prove. This isn’t just doctors – nurses do this to other nurses, techs do this to other techs. We should build each other up, not tear each other down. Feeling confident makes you want to learn more and do better. Tearing each other down not only personally destroys you but it decreases your ability to provide the best patient care. Helping each other learn and being patient with each other in stressful situations will only lead to better outcomes.

3) Every life is valuable and valuable subjects should not be treated with such a nonchalant, joking, insensitive, inappropriate attitude.

4) Adrenaline helps, but it won’t last. You have to reach somewhere deep within yourself to be strong for a long period of time when you’re working in this field. It’s easy to become exhausted and jaded with the work you do, because you do it so often. Being exposed to a highly medical, monitored, structured environment in the hospital is not something most people are familiar or comfortable with, and you need to remember that when you feel like breaking down or slipping up and making insensitive remarks.

5) Confidence is a responsibility owe to yourself, your patients, and your colleagues. People are going to expect you do to things, and to do them right. If you don’t believe in yourself enough to do them, you are letting down a lot of people, not just yourself.

6) The importance of family meetings, establishing a common plan and doing so in a timely manner, preferably when the patient him/herself is mentally well enough and can also be included in the discussion (for a future post).

~Thanks for listening, and I welcome any questions and thoughts.

I work in the business of bettering myself

I can understand how tempting it is for people to stay in one place.

the birds place

The familiar books and furniture and places to go to and cable channel numbers and roads to drive on that you don’t need a GPS or a map for… I like being home because all my STUFF is one place. You would be amazed if you piled all your stuff up in one place. Just the sheer amount of clothes I have blows my mind. My stuff literally fills more than two Toyota Sienna mini vans (I know, because I’ve filled them). My mom is another reason I like having that familiar place to go back to. She’s like Batman – always watching. When I’m at school and work, outside in the world, it’s nice to feel independent, but I’m still in that phase of my life where I depend on my mom very much. She knows me best – sometimes even better than I know myself. She’s always got my back. She’s got my back so much so that she’s annoying about it. She wakes me up if I oversleep. She makes my dentist appointments. She cooks. (Kind of. She specializes in “one pot Crockpot meals,” but even so – those are usually better than whatever I find and throw in a pan and hope tastes alright.)

I digress. Basically, change is hard. It’s easier to be a creature of habit. The feeling of safety and security is, after all, the immediate basic need after our physiological needs (thanks, Maslow #nursingiscool).


But when we stay stagnant, we don’t learn, and we get boring. First we’re boring to other people. Then we’re boring to ourselves. The solution is to initiate change. Simply put – do new things. This is how you get better – through constant reinvention.

That said, your new things should be stable decisions, not reckless choices. A nursing friend of mine always says, “be smart with your dumb decisions.” In other words, if you’re going to do something new, give it some thought before you do it. Like check out the tattoo place online at least before you just show up. Future-you will thank past-you when future-you avoids an infection and possibly sepsis later on from a dirty needle.

Other new things to try – food. Places. People. Shows. Exercise. Join a class and learn a new language. Join a club. Join a gym. Personally, I think it’s better to go out and physically interact with people, rather than making your new habit something through a screen, like starting a new Netflix show. People are the most interesting. They are the primary source. All the media, entertainment, gyms, clubs, classes, foods, etc. comes from them – so it makes the most sense to go out and get to know them. Put down your phone and put on your shoes and just go.

It’s going to require effort, but it will make your life, and you, more interesting. You won’t feel tired as much because you’ll have more to look forward to. This shouldn’t be an overly frequent process, but something that you seek out naturally. If you push yourself too hard, you’ll just relapse and melt into your couch or something.

When you’re young you don’t know what you want. Stuff just kind of appears in front of you and you think, “that looks good I guess,” so you do it, but you do so without really knowing all your other options. I didn’t fully know the qualities I wanted in a partner or even in a friend until I got to college. I invested myself in a serious relationship and a serious friendship right away when I got here, and I learned more about myself through those people.

Learning about yourself is a lifelong process. Constantly be working to improve and reinvent yourself with new plans and dreams. Viewed cynically, sure, it’s exhausting to always be changing. But when you recall how far you’ve come, then you realize that you can only move forward.

You should always think, there is more that you can do, because there is.

I welcome any and all comments and thoughts. No one ever got better by just listening to themselves. That just makes you crazy.

Instead of giving up, you should walk away…

…and then come back.

In other words, find your balance. I won’t sugarcoat how slowly I learn things. Example: I started setting up this blog at 7pm. It is now midnight. Good job, @me.

The end justifies the means, but in the end, how worth it were the means to get there? If you tortured yourself and had a miserable time finishing what you started, was it really worth it?

Listen starting at 2:45 — Beyoncé 

This is Beyoncé describing what it means to succeed. If you like her (and you should) I recommend listening to all of these clips (there are 5) and then probably also all her music (but that’s for a future post).

“And at the end of the day when you go through all of these things, is it worth it? I mean, you get this trophy, and you’re like, I basically…starved, I have neglected all of the people that I love, I conformed to what everybody else thinks I should be, and I have this trophy. What does that mean?”

Although the example of me figuring out a blog format is not exactly comparable to Bey cranking out another best-selling record, all of this calls into question a few things: 1) do you know how to balance your life?, 2) what does it mean to you when you’re done with that “big thing,” was it worth it in the end?, and 3) what matters to you? What did you have to give up to earn this outcome? Time? Money? What is most valuable in your life, and was it worth trading it in for that outcome?

The bottom line: establish a balance that you’re comfortable with. Don’t swing heavily, obsessively, into one thing for so long.

And yet, here I was again tonight, not giving myself breaks, sitting on this couch for literally hours on end, staring at a screen. But it’s ok, because this issue of establishing balance isn’t just a “normal person” or a “below average person” issue. The proof? Beyoncé herself struggles to find the balance between the means and the end.


Take from this post what you will. In my mind, this progression of events/realizations makes sense, but that’s just one person’s opinion and I welcome all other opinions and thoughts.


The one where it’s the very first post

I don’t know where at all this blog will lead, but honestly, that’s kind of the point. I’ve had a journal since the 4th grade because even then I took things too seriously and decided that if I was going to write, I had to start ASAP. I really thought it would be my career, but things shook out differently. Ended up in nursing school and ended up loving it. Still, I come back to writing to maintain my own personal sanity. I hope that through writing publicly I can create open dialogues on any and all relevant issues. I also hope to help people other than myself learn from my own mistakes and actions,  manage fears and concerns, and realize individual goals and ideas. Perhaps this is too grandiose but it has always been my personal belief that we are all more similar than we realize. All these screens and technology (ironic, given this source) make it easy to forget the very basic things that make us human – what sparks our emotion, and what are our basic needs and wants.

I’ve always been a person who needs a plan, something not just to look forward to as a reward, but some set of specific guidelines. Without this, I feel lost. Now in my final year of college, it’s almost time to fully enter the “real world” — two words that everyone, from the 20-somethings barely older than myself, up to the 90-year-olds who I’ve befriended in nursing homes, says in their own weary way. The “plan” won’t be as cemented now as it has been in the past, where it was structured by lectures, exams, papers, etc. It’s all very daunting and exciting, and I hope to document this and any other thoughts I have on here, in the most readable and enjoyable format possible.

That being said… the basic goals I have in starting this blog are to: 1) write more often, 2) write better – write funny, write emotional, write less rambly, 3) develop better grammar, 4) work with constructive criticism, 5) and start dialogues on topics regarding anything and everything.

Thanks for reading anything that is posted; feedback is so appreciated.